


Picking You Up When You're Down

by Pheaca



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alex Thomas-Smith!Jared Kleinman, Courtney Stapleton!Alana Beck, Gen, Post-Canon, but their nblm wlw bond is too powerful not to picture them, honestly don't think I got their portrayals that well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25028950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pheaca/pseuds/Pheaca
Summary: After the catastrophe that was Evan and Jared's argument and the note being posted online, Jared and Alana come together to try and clean up the wreckage.Written for Sincerely Us: Summer Edition 2020.
Relationships: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Picking You Up When You're Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starzinoureyes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starzinoureyes/gifts).



To say Jared was distraught over the abrupt the conclusion of his involvement with the Connor Project may have been an understatement.

The entire situation had destroyed him on several accounts. Since his screaming match with Evan on Friday night, Jared could barely manage to get out of bed. Every waking moment he was tormented by the memory of the fight. He couldn’t work on anything for more than a few seconds without the words taunting him once again.

_ “Maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don’t have any other friends!” _

It was true, but, of course, Jared couldn’t take being called out on that. He didn’t want to admit how depressing his life was. How utterly  _ alone _ he was.

_ “I can tell everyone, everything!” _

He wouldn’t, of course. They both knew it quite well, but Jared hoped that maybe, just maybe, Evan would back down after that statement and they could continue their strained relationship. Things never quite went Jared’s way, though.

_ “Go ahead, do it! Tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!” _

He was an idiot. He didn’t know why he tried to talk back to Evan. He knew at the time he was going to regret his decisions, but he couldn’t stop himself. Everything had begun to pile up on him, and despite how much he did truly care for Evan (even if he failed to admit it), he couldn’t keep himself quiet any longer.

_ “Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!” _

He wanted to pick up the phone, maybe shoot Evan a text apologizing for what he said and begging for the boy to forgive him and take him back. That really wasn’t on brand, though, and he was sure Evan was too busy with Zoe Murphy to ever give him a second thought.

That didn’t mean he didn’t draft up a few messages, but he always deleted them right after. He couldn’t message Evan. Maybe if he gave it a few more days, just for them to cool down a bit more. Maybe Evan would pay attention to him and take his apology more seriously then.

He had considered skipping school on Monday, but he knew it would be better for him to try and go on with his typical schedule than wallow in his sorrow. If he pretended everything was normal, then he could forget about it, at least for a bit. He and Evan only shared Spanish, so he supposed it couldn’t be that difficult to avoid the boy. Hell, maybe he would even earn an apology.

Yeah, like Evan would ever do that.

For a couple periods, everything seemed fine. Well, not exactly, but as fine as it could be. It felt normal, despite how Jared felt his life was falling apart (which, part of him knew his fallout with Evan wasn’t intense enough to have a noticeable impact on his normal schedule, but he still somehow expected a bit more).

It wasn’t until the beginning of AP calculus that something out of the ordinary happened. He noticed Alana approaching him directly, something that was already pretty rare. She almost always brought everything to Evan, who would then sometimes impart the information onto Jared, depending on how he seemed to feel on Jared that day.

The energy seemed to have been slightly drained from her. Typically, she would be bouncing with each step, but she appeared almost lifeless. The light in her eyes was dimmed, and her outfit wasn’t as perfectly put together as they usually were.

“Is there any chance you can come over to my house after class today?” She asked, her voice strained. He had never seen her so much like… A human, as rude as that sounded. “We have some matters to discuss about the Connor Project.”

“I’m not part of the Connor Project anymore,” he grumbled, turning away from the girl as he felt a lump begin to form in his throat.

“When did that happen?” Jared raised an eyebrow at the other’s question. He would have thought Evan would have told her about what happened. Or, well, part of what happened. Then again, he was only treasurer as far as Alana knew, so he probably didn’t even bother to inform her.

“Evan said he didn’t want me to be a part of it anymore.”

“Evan quit last night,” Alana stated bluntly, making Jared shoot his head over.

What the hell happened? Sure, Evan seemed on edge, especially since he had come all the way to his house to ask for more emails (something that he had kept to video chats as of late), but it didn’t exactly seem that not getting those emails would lead to Evan quitting his own organization.

“Can you come over please?” She continued, putting her hands together in a slight begging motion. “We are in the middle of a crisis. The comments are still pouring in against the Murphy family, and as much as I try to cool their fury, it just becomes worse.”

“Why are there comments against the Murphy family?” Jared didn’t understand how the public’s feelings towards them could have changed so abruptly. How had Evan fucked up this time? Well, maybe he shouldn’t have immediately assumed it was the boy’s doing, but he seemed to have a streak of poor decision making as of late. That mixed with the fact Evan had straight-up quit raised suspicions on the boy. What Alana said, though, wasn’t what he was expecting.

“Evan gave me Connor’s suicide note to put online.”

Holy. Shit.

The suicide note. Well, Evan’s letter that was somehow mistaken for a suicide note. The very idea made Jared sick. He hadn’t really thought about it much in the past couple months since Evan had first brought it up, but being confronted with the concept again just made Jared want to gag.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Jared uttered dully, turning his gaze to the desk. He caught Alana lingering there in the corner of his eye, as if trying to figure out what to do, but she eventually turned her back and returned to her desk a couple groups away. He supposed she would save whatever she wanted to bring up for later, if he got it in himself to stop by Alana’s.

Now, his brain had gone from being preoccupied with flashbacks to the fight to the possibilities for what this letter entailed. He knew it couldn’t have been good, whatever it was. Did he really want to see it, though? He knew that he shouldn’t have done it while he was at school, in case it had somehow led him down an emotional spiral that he wouldn’t be able to dig himself out of.

He kept almost typing The Connor Project into his search bar whenever he had free time during school, but he stopped himself last second, reminding himself that whatever the letter (if it was even still up) had to say was something that he wasn’t in a state to deal with right now. 

Part of him expected that in Spanish that, for some unknown reason, Evan would come up to him and they would talk like nothing had ever happened between the two of them. Well, expected wasn’t exactly the right word; he more so  _ wished  _ that would happen. Not that dreams often became reality. In fact, Evan hadn’t even showed up to class, even after the bell had rung (something Jared remembered Evan always getting worked up over, as he hated not being punctual under any circumstance).

After a few minutes, Jared had given up hope on his daydream, attempting to focus on class and ignore the gnawing feeling at his gut telling him something was clearly wrong. He was just glad he didn’t have to give his presentation in front of the class today; his anxiety would have probably been at Evan heights with everything that had been smacking him back and forth throughout the day.

Jared already had everything in his book bag by the time the bell had rung, being the first student to rush through the classroom door. He just wanted to get home. Maybe then he would have the confidence to read the letter that Evan had written. If it hit him too hard, no one would see him cry, since his parents were still out of town. If it made him do worse… Well, no one would be there to stop him, which could be a blessing and a curse, he supposed.

His phone went off in his pocket, making him tense for a second. Was it Evan? He scrambled to get it out, but could only manage a sigh when he saw Alana’s name pop up.

Alana: ‘Are you coming over? It would be okay if you have other plans, but I could really use some help here.’

Did he even want to bother? He could just slip out of school and tell her that he totally forgot about it, make up some bullshit lie about how his mother had taken him on errands (despite the fact that he was completely alone for the night).

Then again, he thought about the way Alana looked during third period when she approached him, and he knew he really couldn’t just ignore her. She wouldn’t even be speaking to him if it weren’t out of absolute necessity. So, reluctantly, he began to type on his phone for what he expected would be a night of being bossed around by his superior and using his less than superb coding skills to make changes to the site to try and alleviate the situation in whatever way he could.

Jared: ‘yeah’

Jared: ‘do you wanna come over to my place instead? parents arent home so less distractions’

Jared: ‘im not trying to hit on you btw’

He slipped his headphones out of his pocket, plugging them in and starting up the first Spotify playlist that popped up. He only got a couple steps in after that before his phone went off again.

Alana: ‘No worries, I understood that. Could I carpool with you? My sister has to stay late for cheerleading.’

He really could have used a couple hours to himself to digest the entire situation a bit more, but he supposed that he couldn’t leave her hanging, especially with how she looked in their classes together and sounded when she spoke to him.

Jared: 'sure. meet me at band in 5'

He cursed at himself for being such a pushover, but there wasn’t any turning back at this point. Alana had been over to his house a couple times for “Connor Project meetings,” so he wouldn’t have to deal with touring her around the place at the very least.

He found himself getting caught up in other things that always inadvertently crossed his mind on the rare occasion he had company over. Not that he really had to worry about the last time he got groceries or how sparkling all of the bathroom surfaces were, but it kept him occupied while he gathered everything he needed for his homework that night. Well, if he could even manage doing it, as he sure Alana would drain the small amount of energy he currently held.

As soon as he had stepped out of the band room with his trumpet case in hand, Alana was beginning to approach him. He shut his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before opening them and forcing on a smile.

“So, what are the plans for tonight?” He asked as they began to walk towards the doors, wanting to mentally prepare himself for whatever Alana was planning on forcing him into.

"I was hoping we could brainstorm strategies to minimize the collateral damage.” She explained, making Jared raise an eyebrow and turn back to face the other.

“Miss Ivy League doesn't have any ideas?" He may have been a little too harsh in his delivery, as he noticed Alana flinch slightly. He sighed, turning around again and pushing the door open, holding it for the girl. “I still don’t know how bad the backlash is.”

“Have you not checked the site?” She questioned as she walked by, Jared following after another person passed through and uttered a half-hearted thank you.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been busy being a good student,” he muttered as he caught up with Alana, leading her to his car that had been parked near the exit.

“You play on your phone under your desk in every class we have together.” Damn. She had him there.

“I’m not  _ playing _ ,” he attempted to retort. “I’m just…”

“My point is made,” Alana uttered cooly, earning an eye roll from Jared as he unlocked the car, putting his stuff in the back, Alana following his lead. “There are near-constant death threats being sent to the Murphys, and someone even doxed them at one point. I quickly got that taken down, but there’s definitely worry that something could happen if the situation is not remedied.”

“Huh, that’s… No bueno.” He didn’t really know what to say. Death threats seemed extreme for any situation, but especially directed towards a family that was still grieving. What had Evan said in his letter? Maybe he had changed it out, because it had to have been downright malicious to get a stir out of the public like that. Evan would never hurt them like that, though. At least, he didn’t think the boy would, but he didn’t really know who Evan was as of late. He was like an entirely different person. Even if he was acting different, he still didn’t think Evan would hurt them like that.

“We can fix this,” Alana uttered, but she seemed to be trying to convince herself more than Jared. He wasn’t going to contradict her, simply turning on his car and backing out of the parking lot, keeping an eye out for all of the other inexperienced drivers that could rush past him at any moment.

The car ride was rather quiet other than the occasional honking in the student lot as they waited to get out and the soft pop playing from Jared’s speakers, the two of them stuck in their own heads. Jared couldn’t stop thinking about that letter. He shouldn’t have. He should have tried to avoid it as much as he could. He didn’t need whatever angsty shit he had made fun of to weigh on his conscience.

That raised a question; did Alana know what Jared’s real position with the Connor Project was? He supposed she wouldn’t have called it “Connor’s note” if she  _ really  _ knew what it was, and she still wanted to talk to him and have him help, so he was probably in the clear, but that didn’t keep him from worrying about it all the way to his house. 

It felt like an eternity with the awkward air that had enraptured the car, but, after a millennium, Jared got into his garage, turning off the car and grabbing his stuff, waiting for Alana to get her bag before locking the door and heading into his house.

“What if we write a post?” Alana said abruptly, breaking the silence between the two of them.

“You didn’t think of that before?” He shot, shooting her a glare before heading into the living room, throwing his stuff onto one of the recliners and situating himself on the couch, grabbing his laptop he had laying on the coffee table.

“I’ve been working on it as hard as I can,” she defended as she slipped her computer out of the front pouch of her book bag, putting it into her lap.

“That hasn’t gotten you anywhere,” Jared muttered.

“What is your deal?” She snapped, making Jared’s head shoot over. Was there… Anger in her eyes? He had never recognized that from her. 

“I’m just a little fed up with all of this Connor Project shit,” he sighed, rubbing at his eyes while he waited for his laptop to start up. “Especially since I’m only treasurer. I shouldn’t be forced into all of this shit.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be asking you for help if I didn’t need it.” What he expected, of course, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t stung.

“That sounds familiar,” he mumbled. It seemed Alana wanted to jump back in, but Jared was quick to interrupt. “Whatever. Do you want me to draft up something? You know, to make it feel authentic.”

“What makes you think what I write isn’t authentic?”

“You write like it’s a press release,” he explained simply, beginning to type in his password as the start-up screen popped up. “I can write something as Evan about how ‘he knows that the Murphys weren’t perfect, but with how Connor would talk about his relationship with them, he didn’t mean what he said.’ bada bing, that should hopefully stop most of the drama in its tracks.”

“But isn’t that forgery? And lying?” Oh. So she didn’t know. Well, that’s what she made it seem, at least. That calmed Jared’s nerves slightly, but he still felt a bit on edge about Alana finding out the truth.

“Yeah? So?” 

“We’re not doing that,” she declared, setting a moral ground. If only she knew what the entire foundation on which the Connor Project was built on, then maybe she would be thinking otherwise.

“Fine, we can go along with your sad attempts to calm the fires,” he groaned, rolling his eyes. God, she was ridiculous. Then again, practically all of his work with the Connor Project had been creating fake conversations between the two people at the forefront, so he may have been a little blinded to the morality in that respect. “What do you want me to do exactly? Message people saying those things about how ‘it’s hurting the mission of the project and they don’t have the full picture?’ I don’t think an angry mob is exactly going to quiet down that easily.”

“Just try, okay?” She didn’t exactly seem like she wanted to deal with whatever other bullshit Jared had to spew, so he decided to just shut his mouth and begin to look around for the comments and posts that people had made mentioning the members of the Murphy family.

Jared froze when he read the first one, his stomach churning.

‘ _ Zoe Murphy should die for what she did _ ’

That was… Dramatic, to say the least. What did she do, exactly? What did any of them do to deserve these death threats?

“Hey, is the letter still online?” Jared questioned, part of him finally getting the courage to face his fears. Well, he wasn’t sure if he really had the guts to read it, but he supposed he had to.

“No, I took it down, but I still have it, if you want to see,” Alana explained, typing something into her computer. It didn’t look like she was typing in some search command, most likely trying to politely ask someone to stop their attacks against the Murphy family. She had good intentions, Jared knew, but those attempts weren’t going to get her far.

“It would definitely help,” he sighed. She typed for a couple more seconds before skimming over what she wrote and hitting the enter button, clicking around a few times before handing the laptop over. Jared carefully placed his on the coffee table again, not bothering to close it as he carefully balanced Alana’s on his lap, staring down intently at the words on the computer.

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  
_ _ It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… why would it be? _

He leaned in a bit closer to the screen, as if his eyes were playing some sort of trick on him, and if he moved the screen around slightly, the message would somehow read completely different from how he had originally seen it. After a couple of moments, he stopped, knowing he was just trying to avoid reading through what Evan had written. So, against his own best wishes, he continued on.

_ Oh I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe… maybe nothing would be different at all. _

Well, that slightly explained the hatred towards Zoe, but it still wasn’t at all rational, at least in Jared’s eyes. His heart clenched slightly at the phrasing. “All my hope is pinned on Zoe.” It almost made him consider the possibility that Evan had written this in order to frame the Murphys, but he knew that wasn’t the case. The way that Evan spoke of Zoe made it clear that he had always held feelings that had put her on a pedestal of sorts, long before their relationship had even been a possibility. Putting all of his hope on her seemed pretty dangerous, but, then again, Evan was guided often by his emotions in the moment.

_ I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of... something. I wish that anything I said… mattered, to anyone. I mean, face it: would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? _

He felt his soul being viciously mangled and burned as he read that. He knew he messed around with Evan, but did he really think that he wouldn’t care? That Ms. Hansen would care either? He would notice if Evan disappeared. Not that it seemed to matter much to Evan, anyway, but he would. He cared more than he would have ever let himself show. He supposed that he should have tried more, seeing the outcome of everything. Maybe if he had done something, hadn’t been such an asshole, things would have been different.

_ Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,  
_ _ Me. _

He felt tears welling up in his eyes as he put the laptop aside despite his best efforts to keep them down. Evan didn’t even see him as a friend. He supposed that was justified, but Evan seeing himself as his own “best and more dearest friend” was heart-wrenching. The whole thing was. He couldn’t believe that was how Evan felt. How Evan  _ really  _ felt.

“Are you okay?” Alana asked softly from his shoulder, making him blink rapidly for a couple seconds before turning to face her, noticing the pained expression on her face. He couldn’t tell if it was fake or not, but either way it made him feel slightly embarrassed.

“I didn’t know he felt like this…” He wiped at his face with the sleeve of his flannel, continuing to blink. “If I had known, I would have—”

“No one knew,” Alana tried to comfort him, scooting over to Jared’s side and awkwardly draping an arm across his shoulder. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is,” he argued weakly, taking off his glasses as they began to fog up. God, why couldn’t he stop? He shouldn’t have been this weak in front of Alana. He didn’t cry in front of people. Especially not people he barely knew.

“You didn’t even talk to Connor.” Oh. Right. This was about Connor. Jared wanted to vomit remembering how much Alana had been lied to. He knew she deserved the truth, but he was too much of a coward. He couldn’t face Alana and tell her that Evan lied about the entire situation, and Jared had been in on it the entire time and had kept her completely in the dark. She’d hate him forever. Instead, he had to go along with the narrative that he and Evan had written, despite the anguish it brought him to do so.

“I said cruel things, things you shouldn’t say to anyone,” he admitted, which, in a way, applied to both Connor and Evan. He never truly blamed himself for what Connor did, although he knew he played a small, but indefensible, part in it. He should have been kinder. He should have known what he was doing was going to hurt those boys, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was all for some dumb ego trip. He was so low in the food chain, but he still needed to step down on others in order to make himself feel like he mattered. Maybe if he had tried to swallow his pride, try and just talk to Evan and Connor like a normal human being, maybe they wouldn’t be where they were now.

“We’ve all made mistakes,” she tried to calm him down, although he took that with a grain of salt. “Mistakes” were accidentally using the wrong equation on a math test, or writing the wrong word on an in-class essay. Not when you joked about a kid being a school shooter in a school hallway or kept insisting that you were only “family friends.” Those weren’t mistakes. Those were attacks.

“Wow, that’s comforting, coming from someone like  _ you _ .” He covered up his face in the palms of his hands, instantly regretting his words. Why did he have to be such an idiot?

“I’m not perfect,” she confessed. Jared actually took his hands out of his hands, doing a double take at her. Was she seriously admitting she had any faults? He knew someone couldn’t be perfect, but Alana had to be close to it. “I forced myself into a situation where I didn’t belong with the Connor Project. I let my own visions and desires get in the way of what mattered, which was providing a positive safe space for people like Connor and to show them that they are important. I posted that letter without taking in the possible consequences, and I didn’t immediately take it down despite Evan’s requests. Even just within this campaign, I’ve done things that I deeply regret, but that doesn’t mean that they have to bring me down. Wallowing in your mistakes isn’t going to get you anywhere. What matters is trying to fix your mistakes and do better. Not that what happened with Connor can really be fixed, but… Trying to treat others better in the future can at least try and make up for it.”

Jared felt his tears begin to slow down as he listened to Alana, his breath getting less staggered and chest feeling a bit lighter. He didn’t even realize she could speak like that. Everything she always said seemed to stress him out, as she just blabbered on about School This and Connor Project That. But here… She was real. She was showing him something underneath the valedictorian she presented herself as, and Jared couldn’t help but be fascinated by it. 

“You don’t have to help,” she told him as he had finally straightened up his position and taken his hands away from his face, purposely making her voice softer, as if she was going to somehow set him off again if she spoke too loud.

“No, I want to,” he quickly replied, sniffling and wiping at his face again. “I’m just going to get some water and wash my face. Do you want anything?”

“I’m good,” she answered, shooting him a light, kind smile. He found himself grinning back at her for a moment before turning around, heading straight for the bathroom.

He turned both the cold and hot faucets slightly, grabbing for a small towel from one of the drawers. He looked in the mirror, sneering at his puffy eyes and drenched cheeks. He shouldn’t have shown himself to be so weak.

For some reason, though, he didn’t care.

Well, he did, to an extent, but not as much as he would have thought he would have. Maybe part of him believed if he let himself be seen being so emotional, he would have been laughed at. Alana didn’t do that. Alana spoke to him without showing a hit of amusement.

It was nice.

He finished washing up, hanging the towel up and running to grab a water bottle from the fridge before taking his seat back on the couch, him and Alana sharing a soft smile before returning back to work.

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't the most confident I've ever felt on a fic, but I hope that you enjoy it!
> 
> I may end up continuing this at some point, as I have five chapters planned out, but only got around to writing one before the deadline. We'll see!
> 
> \- Phea


End file.
